And yet, as I look at the 20 in which I was on the receiving end, the best and most effective apologies are the ones that seemed to come from the brain. The ones from the heart appeared unrefined. When I re-read them (or the notes that I took for verbal apologies), they’re short and simplistic. They lack the sense of consciousness and awareness that would be expected from someone who is truly apologetic. To be fair, I am not telepathic and can’t read anyone else’s consciousness or awareness, so that may not be true, but my impression is that there was much more that was going on in their mind before, during and after the apology.
Conversely, the least effective apologies I received over the course of the month were too cerebral in nature. These apologies had all sorts of details, quotes and rationalizations. They may have been sincere, but these apologies sounded more like justifications. Some of them even sounded like the apology was coerced or a standardized template statement was dictated to me.
Takeaway #1: Start with the heart, & follow with the brain.
My first takeaway is that apologies should start by demonstrating what is true—sincerity from the heart. Unconditionally saying “I’m sorry” is a good way to start an apology. Looking at the spreadsheet, diplomatic turns of phrases, like, “I regret …” or “I wish …” or “I feel bad” seemed to be half-measures, unlike simply saying “I’m sorry.” More to the point, that introduction shouldn’t have anything else around it—no “I’m sorry that …” or “I’m sorry but …” or (probably the worst) “I’m sorry if … .”
Taking a pause for both parties to register and reconnect may be the right way to address what happened. Then the brain can elaborate further to give specifics on why we feel sorry.
Takeaway #2: Search your own heart first.
Apologies also feel a little like an iceberg. Only 10% of it feels outwardly manifest, while 90% of the apology seems to be unsaid. In the 17 cases when I delivered an apology, I did feel like there was a lot of internal dialogue and exploration that I did not share with anybody else. As I looked at my apologies, I was searching back for similar instances and learning points. I was also delving deep down into asking myself why I was feeling something and challenging myself to engage in more empathic responses. Writing this down, it seems like it would take a really long time to do, but my experience is that this self-search happens pretty rapidly. Perhaps with practice, it can happen even more rapidly.
