How to Make Your Apologies Count

Going back to the spreadsheet, the most feckless of all apologies are the “I’m sorry you feel that way” type, in large part because there is no action associated with those words. That type of apology forces someone else to take action, which is, in my opinion, deeply disingenuous.

So there we have it: 105 apologies over the course of a month. That was a lot of data to collate and to comb over, but I’m glad I did so because moving forward, I have a better understanding of what it means to apologize.

My insights are my own and may not necessarily apply to others, but I find it interesting that they align well with some of the advice for best practices on apologizing. For example, Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy articulate six steps, many of which reflect what I’ve seen and felt.² Another apology expert, Harriet Lerner, offers six ways to apologize.³ The late psychologist Aaron Lazare, PhD, crystallized four elements of a good apology.⁴ Nearly all of them overlap at certain points and diverge at others.

All these approaches are useful, but they are too formulaic for my tastes. An apology can’t be distilled into four, five or six orderly steps or methods. If it were that easy, we wouldn’t have so many issues with apologizing. Rather, apologies are meant to make us feel uncomfortable and force us to reconsider the ways we look at the world so we can remake it in a better way. Apologies are tools to mend fraying relationships and break off hurtful practices.

Good apologies aren’t easy, even for those of us who are well attuned to picking up errors in our professional and personal lives.

Bharat Kumar, MD, MME, FACP, FAAAAI, RhMSUS, is the associate program director of the rheumatology fellowship training program at the University of Iowa, Iowa City, and the physician editor of The Rheumatologist. Follow him on Twitter @BharatKumarMD.

References

1. Corliss J. The art of a heartfelt apology. Harvard Health. 2021 Apr 13. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-art-of-a-heartfelt-apology-2021041322366.
2. Ryan E, Kelly ML. Do you use these words when you apologize? It’s time to stop, researchers say. NPR. 2023 Jan 25. https://www.npr.org/2023/01/25/1150972343/how-to-say-sorry-give-good-apology.
3. Sethi S, Schneider CM. You’re apologizing all wrong. Here’s how to say sorry the right way. NPR. 2021 Jun 15. https://www.npr.org/2021/06/02/1002446748/youre-apologizing-all-wrong-heres-how-to-say-sorry-the-right-way.
4. Lazare A. Making peace through apology. Greater Good Magazine. Berkeley University of California; 2004 Sep 1. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/making_peace_through_apology.